Pam's Cancer Blog

Taking my life back

I have not been posting for awhile and I am sorry.  Grieving over the lose of my sister was more than I thought I could take.  I still read all the posts every day. 

January 2013   I was informed that I had stage 3b lung cancer, I looked straight into my doctor's face and said do whatever you have to do, hit me with all you"ve got, because I am not done here yet and I am not leaving yet. I truly believe that I am here for a reason.    

 I had two spots, they could not take the lung because I had it in my bronchial tube as well. I spent most of 2013 getting chemo and radiation and fighting to stay alive. (as we all do here)  and I worked full time.  Sometimes after chemo I was laying on the floor in my office but I did it and it was damn hard.  Then the words that we all long to hear.....remission....I am so thankful to still be here but the fear of where will the cancer pop up next will eat you alive.  I could not be happy because I was waiting, waiting, waiting for the ball to drop....for the cancer to return. 

Then January 2014 came another hard blow,. I lost my sister to lung cancer...how can that be....I just fell deeper into the pit of depression...I always felt like it should have been me not her.  The guilt was too much.  I gained 50 pounds and could not even hardly walk.  So depressed and tired that I had to sit in a chair just to cook dinner.  I was going to bed at 6:30 and still could not get up it the mornings. I would not spend any time or money on myself.  I did not want to wasted on me. Nothing I did helped. So I just fell into a dark place.

  January 2015 and by God's grace I am still here and because of my wonderful church, I finally decided to take my life back....I can't do this anymore...I started the Daniel fast with my church and lost 15 pounds. I feel better than I have felt in years, I even started fixing my self up again.  My mind is clear and each day gets a little better and better.  I have scans next week praying for the best, but if the news is not good I am ready for battle.  I am not letting cancer take me down. I am not done here yet......I AM TAKING MY LIFE BACK.....

I still miss my sister terribly but I know she is my gaurdian angel, and one day we will meet up again.  Thank you to everyone here because you all are my inspiration and I love you all.

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I'm so sorry for all that you've been through but I'm glad you are back! There is a reason for everything that has happened and that you are here right now. I wish more NED on your next scan and I hope you're not feeling too anxious (mine is next month, starting to feel it already). Best always XO!!
Pam likes this comment
Thank you Jane, Praying for NED for you as well.
Jane likes this comment
Pam, your not alone. I've been to that dark place myself. Wondering for who, for what..it's only going to pop up again! (Stage 4). But I have let God in my life also. More than ever. To the extent that I just want to be content. If it's my time then please don't make me suffer. But it's been almost 2 years post treatment, and I'm still NED. So I'm more optimistic. But it's funny, I don't won't to get cocky. So I always keep my pestimizim
Fred, Pam like this comment
I know right!!! I feel the same way. I also pray for peace....I will pray for peace for both of us (:
Glitch..keep my pestimizim alive. Almost like damn if I do, damn if I don't. Very hard to feel either way. But now my attitude is what ever! It's out of my hands. Stay positive, because it's better than being in negative hell..👍
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You know Fred, I truly think that changing my diet helped so much with my depression. But yes you are right it is what it is and it is out of our hands.
Sorry about your sister! May she rest with the angels!
Pam likes this comment
Thank you, she was my best friend and I miss her so much.
Fred likes this comment
So glad that you have found some peace within your church and its people!! It is important to be able to talk with someone. I feel things in life happen for a reason, we just have to try and understand. I wish you peace and happiness. Keep taking one step at a time, it will get easier!!
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Thank you Wanda, I know you are right, it will get easier. Prayers to you my friend.
I am teared up as I write this. First God bless you! May you get good news in your scan. If you don't, remember god gives you the strength for every battle. Lean on him now and always. Xoxo
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Thank you Betsy, You are so right...God does give us strength for every battle. God bless you
Be strong my dear. We all have a purpose!
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As the song says, "The darkest hour is just before dawn." Keep fighting the good fight -- you go, Girl! Many, many hugs, B
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Thank you Bill, Praying that we both have a good month my friend
Yup. Since I have my next check-up on Jan 28, I'm hoping for a *really* good month!😎
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I knew you were having scans this month, but was not sure of the day. You are not gonna believe this but my scan is on the 28th as well. Results on that Friday...
I had heard the Daniel plan is great. I'm glad it worked for you and helped get you out of the darkness! Keep on the sunny side!
I hope your scans come out the best! Hugs, Sandyjo
Pam likes this comment
Cancer is a son of a..... And the emotions it brings can be terrible. It's difficult enough to deal with that not to mention the loss of your sister . How unfair!!!! You sound like a very level headed person who is tough enough to live this life! I wish you luxk and peace !
Pam likes this comment
Thank you Leslie, You are so right about emotions. But you know the saying....get busy living or get bet busy dying....
You've been through so much and I pray your scans come back with only good news. Stay strong warrior lady!
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After all you've been through I feel a bit like a drama queen to be blogging about my own depression. I must tell you, Pam, that your words about taking your life back really resonated with me: it was exactly what I needed to hear. I've let alot of things slide as my husband and I have battled his disease: I've been extremely lax with friendships, haven't exercised in literally years, have allowed alot of stuff to accumulate in closets that should be discarded or donated, wear ratty old sweats all weekend long, etc. etc. No wonder I'm depressed: I, too, need to take my life back. Easier said than done, no doubt, but thanks for the magic words..........and I hope and pray your scan results are what we want them to be. Xoxo, Your March 23 Sister, Sue💜
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My dear sweet sister Susan, I am so sorry that you have been depressed. You are so important and loved, not only by your husband and family but by us as well. Please don't let this beast take your joy or your spirit. Today is the day my friend lets TAKE OUR LIFE BACK.... (:
:}
Pam likes this comment
It has been awhile Unsure...I have missed you. How are you? I think about you all the time. I always look to see if you have posted. I have a question for you it that is ok? Did you have symptom's that made your Doctor check you for a brain tumor? I hope you are getting stronger every day cause we are taken our life back my friend.
Pam, I cannot even imagine losing my sister to anything, especially this dreaded disease... but I want you to know that you are never alone, ever.....
Even amongst your darkest of days or nights!
Myself - I just recite the 23rd Psalm; for I am never alone, as lonely as I may feel, it brings some comfort some days... Let us truly believe that 'a table has been prepared for us', even in 'the presence of our enemies'! That enemy - cancer! And let us stay strong, for always - the Lord is our Shepherd; even while we go thru the 'valley of the shadow of death'. It's hard to remember always, that He is with you, (somedays the shadows do become soooo long....) But we fight on, regardless; and may it always be such. I agree: We Take Our Life Back!!!! Go, girl!
Pam likes this comment
What an inspiration that you have fought it all and are surviving the seemingly unsurvivable. Keep us posted. I know exactly what you mean about waiting for the next thing to come. It can't help me to go on that way. Take care
Happy Birthday Pam! Thinking about you and hope you are staying strong! God Bless
PAM, hope you are celebrating your birthday in style today and keep on kicking! You are definitely not done here. HUGS
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Another day

I just wanted to take a few minutes to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.  This site had been a real God-send for me.  I have not been on here for awhile because still grieving the lose of my sister every day;.  I keep praying that life without her will be more bearable.  I still have a lot of guilt for not knowing that she was sick.  Survivors guilt I guess.  But my goal is to stay strong and to thank God every day for another day of being a cancer survivor.

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Just stay strong!! Death of a loved one is always hard. It's just something that you have to work through. Think of good times, carry her in your heart!
Pam likes this comment
Thank you Wanda, I will carry her in my heart. She was beautiful and funny and I will miss her every day for the rest of my life.
I hope you slowly shed that guilt, and enjoy life for yourself and for your sister. HUGSSS!
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Helen thank you for your hugs, could not have come at a better time.
I hope you are feeling a little better every day...more HUGSSS!!
I know it is hard but please don'T feel guilty. So many times,people do not have all the symptoms of cancer and then some people, do not want to go through treatment. Hugs and prays that you will feel better. Sandyjo
Pam likes this comment
Thank you Sandyjo, I have played this over & over in my head wondering how I missed this, but I know in my heart she did what she thought was best for her...
Depression is just as hard to fight as cancer. I pray that you come to terms with your grief and find a way to remember the good times so that the memory of your sister brings you happiness and strength. I'm rooting for you, and sending positive thoughts your way......Xoxo Sue
Pam likes this comment
thank you Susan, Thank you for your strength and your prayers. I have such a wonderful family here and I am grateful every day.
Hang in there Pam.
Pam likes this comment
I am doing alright. Just sorting out my "new" new normal since they removed the tumor that spread to my brain. :)
Unsure, I hope you are doing well. As for me I know time heels all wounds. So I am hangin in there.
Pam, it's ok to grieve. That is a process that we must go through in the loss of a loved one, especially one of our siblings, parents and or spouses. We all process it differently, and some of us takes a little longer to process it than others. There is no time limit on how long it takes. Just ask the Lord to help you to get through it, and know that He is helping you. He's with you in this, you're not alone. We always have the Lord with us, because He says in His word that He will never leave us nor forsake us. And you have all of us on this blog, praying with you. Thank you for your hugs and prayers for me, and know that I'm sending you hugs and sending up prayers for you also. Have a blessed evening.
Pam likes this comment
Pam, I want to send you a big hug. I know the pain of losing siblings. Many people do not understand how hard it can be. I think your sister wanted to continue to be the big sister and keep an eye out for you. Although it is so hard not having her here with you, we know she is pulling for you. I think when you feel alone or lonely if you close your eyes she will be there with you. She would want you to continue the fight and to be strong. Take care. Cheryl
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Sorry to hear about your sister. I will pray for you.
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Vital Info

Posts

March 2, 2013

Oklahoma

March 23, 1959

Cancer Info

Lung Cancer

January 4, 2013

Stage 3B

Yes

Taxol (Paclitaxel)

the fear that it brings

Not to sweat the small stuff,

prayers & hugs

no

check on me

coughing, flu like symptoms, bronchitis,

Chemotherapy started on March 1st

radiation starts on March 8th

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